#and ty casey for the prompt ig

[highoctanegem]

Cheese! Couches! Bananas! || Emilio & Jade

TIMING: A few weeks ago. LOCATION: Axis Investigation PARTIES: @mortemoppetere & @highoctanegem SUMMARY: Jade shows up at Axis to check on her recently delivered couch(es). Emilio is there to greet her, and also, has a little surprise in his pockets. CONTENT WARNING: Bananas.

Their couches had arrived! Jade let out a squeal that must’ve been heard for miles around the cabin when she saw that little notif bubble pop up (Regan would be proud of the decibels). With a purpose for the day, she dragged herself out of the bed, pathetically empty after her bone partner left a few hours ago when she had to go to work or something. (Apple was so evil for keeping them away for eight hours a day) (She was seriously considering switching to Android in protest). Anyway, capitalist homophobia aside, she jumped in the shower and got ready to visit Emilio and make sure her purchases had arrived in perfect condition. Oh, right cause… They had decided to get them delivered to Axis while they didn’t have their real home! She forgot to mention that tiny detail, didn’t she? Whoopsie. 

Now that all the dots were connected, she was off to Axis to get a look at those couches.

The apartment building in Worm Row was such a nice little throwback to the beginnings of her Wicked’s Rest journey, bringing a smile to her face despite the stinky scent permeating the air. Aw, it retained the same aroma and all! 

She parked Roxie right outside, noticing the other (nameless) vehicle right next to hers. Sweet! Emilio was inside. And like, Jade knew she could’ve texted him, but where was the fun in that? And have him mentally prepared for her dropping by? No way. She took off her helmet, hanging it on the handle, and ran a hand through her damp hair to get rid of some nasty helmet head.

The door to Axis was unlocked, so she slipped inside and made herself home inside the repurposed living room. A huge cheshire grin spread across her face when she spotted Emilio in all his grumpy glory, but all greetings were on hold, as her eyes were naturally drawn to the out of place furniture adorning the room. She gasped in delight. 

She was pleasantly surprised they hadn’t been left just outside for just any rascals to get a hold of them. Especially the outlined couch (Regan would’ve been devastated to lose such an original model). Both couches were awkwardly occupying space amid Axis's modest decor. Her beautiful green one was covered in protective plastic, looking impeccably shiny despite the extra layer, while the outlined couch (and its matching ottoman) was packed in a large cardboard box. “You’re the bestest,” she smiled fondly, caressing the top of the plastic. “Oh, I meant you, but you know that already” She looked back at Emilio, sauntering toward his ‘office’ desk. “We should probably, like… move them to one of the other rooms, so your clients don’t get any ideas that you’re in your interior design era.” 

She placed a paper bag on the desk. “This is for you, courtesy of me and Regan,” and like, there was no reason for Jade to smile all devilishly while she gave it to him (it was a bottle of top-shelf whiskey) (and a breakfast sandwich, cause she knew what he was like) but if for a second Emilio thought he was being given worms instead, wasn’t that just so much more fun?

—

When his phone rang in the early afternoon with a number he didn’t recognize, he’d only answered because he’d assumed it was a case. Plenty of people preferred calling to showing up at his office when they wanted to schedule something, and that was all well and good. It was nice to know when you were expecting a client, sometimes. So, Emilio did what a good business owner would do. He picked up on the third ring. He muttered, “Axis Investigations,” into the phone. He waited as the person on the other end of the line paused.

And then, he waited a little longer.

When they finally spoke, they sounded a little confused. “Uh, I have a delivery here?”

His brow furrowed. “What? Ring the doorbell.” Had Teddy put his name on something? He wasn’t home at the moment, was out in Worm Row trying to burn some excess energy, but someone would be at the house to pick up whatever Teddy had delivered. Levi, Wynne, Gabagool in a pinch. The person on the other end of the line paused again, and Emilio nearly hung up. But then, they spoke, and he faltered.

“There, uh… There isn’t a doorbell? It’s an apartment?”

Shit. 

“Worm Row?”

“Yeah,” the person confirmed, sounding uncertain. “And it’s — I mean, it’s kind of sketchy here, so I’d like to — Can you let us in?”

Racking his mind, Emilio tried to think what he might have had delivered to the Worm Row apartment — and what might require more than one person to deliver it, considering the fact that the guy on the line said we. He kept coming up short. “Lock’s broken. Go inside. I’ll be up in five minutes.” And then, not particularly wanting to continue the conversation, he hung up and made his way to the familiar building. 

The elevator creaked as it always did when he climbed inside, and he kicked absently at Jeff’s foot where he sat in the corner. “Still alive, Jeff?” He asked, mashing the button for his floor.

“A dragonfly made me immortal. I paid her in nectar,” Jeff replied, clearly half asleep. Emilio nodded absently, listening to the elevator strain.

“Glad to hear it.” The door opened on the second floor, and he stepped out. “Better not catch you in my place again. Tired of cleaning up after you.” There was no response; presumably, Jeff had gone back to sleep. Emilio sighed, rolling his eyes as the elevator door closed again and making his way towards his apartment.

The door was closed; clearly, the delivery guy had meant it when he said he felt unsafe. Emilio nudged it open with his foot, stepping inside to find… a couch. Taking up most of the living room, while a guy sat in the floor beside it with chalk, drawing on the floor. 

“What the fuck is this?”

He should have been expecting the answer. A delivery for a Regan Kavanagh, who’d given this address for her things. Emilio blew a frustrated puff of air through his nose, moving to the desk to sit while the men finished up. He pulled a wrapped bundle from his pocket, brow furrowing. Cheese. Right. He and Teddy had taken so much home from that damn bonfire that Teddy had taken to sending it off with him to snack on throughout the day. Emilio chewed it absently, watching as the men made their quick exit. 

After a few minutes, someone else entered. He wasn’t particularly surprised to see who. 

“Should have figured you’d know about this,” he griped, shooting her a look as she set something down on the table. Popping the rest of the cheese into his mouth, he opened the bag, expecting worms. It was a pleasant surprise to find whiskey in a sandwich instead, and he pulled out the former and popped it open. “I don’t think this makes up for the couch. Or the guy who drew on my floor. The hell is that about, anyway? And how long do I have to keep this shit here?”

—

“Um, of course I know about this! Did Regan forget to tell you about it?” Jade asked with her most innocent smile. She absolutely knew Regan had forgotten about it, or well, technically she made her forget about it. Nope scratch that, it was Regan’s fault, for being too gay and so easily distracted. Or maybe it was that basket of cold cookies they found after, that may or may not have been a wee bit cursed. Huh, maybe it did slip everybody’s minds. And anyway, it was way funnier for all involved (read, only her) if there was a bit of miscommunication all around. She smiled at Emilio, noticing he was eating some cheese, which if her math was right (as it was always the case), it must’ve been some of the leftover ones from the bonfire. What a fun time that was. She was still wearing her friendship bracelets from that time. 

Obviously, Emilio dove straight for the whiskey (her suggestion) (he definitely wouldn’t have wanted Regan’s initial idea which was better kept a secret), and Jade rested her hand on top of the desk, smile still polite and friendly. Seeing as he was at least eating some cheese, she wasn’t gonna pester him about the sandwich. “You’re welcome, and um… it totally does. I’m pretty sure the couches were cheaper than that,” she gave a pointed look at the bottle. (And nope, they weren’t. But almost!). Her eyebrows pinched together, cause what did Emilio mean by that? Guys drawing on the floor? So like… “What? No! Did they open it?” she looked back at the cardboard box, then to the ground where yup, sure enough, there was a big rectangle drawn with chalk just like the display at Just Couches. She accidentally stepped on it with her dirty boots when she walked over to the desk. Whoops, Regan didn’t have to know. But at least! It looked like the ottoman was still inside the box then, judging by the lack of a second outline in the room. (Small wins). “Mmm, we’re gonna need to repackage that, when we move it to our house,” how did one repackage an outlined couch? (Did the chalk come in the box?) They should probably call the store to work it out. 

“Oh! Right…” She pushed those mild inconveniences away, glancing back at Emilio. Sometimes Jade forgot not everything she and Regan did had a perfectly rational, perfectly obvious explanation. It was hard sometimes, to be so above everyone in terms of coolness, and having to come back down and co-exist with mortals who knew nothing about outlined couches. (But it was a duty she took with honor) (maybe she’d actually be good at this one). “Our couches!” she shrugged, cause seriously. Emilio was a detective, he had eyes. Could he not see the rectangle and figure out it was obviously a drawn couch? Duh! “I dunno if you’ll want the whole story,” she cackled. Emilio was pretty nosy though, just like… delusional about it. He acted as if everything he had to know was cause of his job. “But! It comes down to us wanting to move in together to like, a real house” and did they have to rush so much with the couch? Probably not, but did they find the perfect one? Absolutely. When you know you know. “So we went to get a couch first. And I may or may not have been a bit too gay to say no to her,” she pinched her thumb and her index finger. “I mean you know how that goes,” she wiggled her eyebrows at him, reaching inside the bag for the sandwich she brought, slowly unwrapping it. She was feeling a little hungry, actually. “And voila! We have… two couches. And an ottoman,” and only one of them was truly visible. 

“I dunno how long we’ll need yet. We’d obviously like, move them if we take too long to find the right place. We definitely don’t want them in the cabin right now,” cause Regan associated the cabin with a buncha bad things, including Jade’s weapons, which totally made her feel some type of way, but she was not gonna dwell on it until it was time to. (So maybe next season). And Axis had been like, the closest location they knew from Just Couches so really, not even in a jokey way, Axis had been ideal delivery address. “Do you realize how lucky you are that Teddy just had their place already furnished and ready to take on an extra grumpy roomie? I’m telling ya, we’re even looking at like bird migration paths.” So they would increase their chances of birds dropping dead in their yard, obviously.

—

Regan was supposed to tell him about this? Emilio huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and raising a brow at Jade in an expression that was all-too-serious. Of course Regan wouldn’t have told him. Regan loved sending shit to his house unannounced, be it bags of worms or turtlenecks made of denim. Jade knew as much, which meant if she had given the duty of informing Emilio about the couch delivery to her… bone partner, she’d done so with full knowledge that the information would never be delivered at all. This was all definitely intentional. And there were couches in his apartment. (Well… a couch. He was refusing to call the chalk outline a couch on principle.) “No,” he replied needlessly, “Regan didn’t tell me about any couches. You could have, you know.” It wasn’t like he would have said no. Probably. He would have demanded something in return, but Jade had brought him whiskey and that was probably what he would have demanded, anyway, so…

Damn it. Having people who actually knew you was a hard, unfamiliar thing.

He took another swig of the whiskey, which was apparently expensive but tasted, to him, exactly like the cheap shit. (Maybe Teddy was right about him burning through his tastebuds with all the cigarettes and bottom shelf liquor.) “I’m not thanking you. You filled my apartment with random furniture, you don’t get thanked for that. A bottle of whiskey is the least you could do.” He watched as she seemed… a little distressed, almost, about the chalk drawing. “Open it? It’s a drawing. Made of chalk. On my floor. That isn’t something you open.” Unless his English was worse than he thought it was. “Re — Jade, you can’t repackage a drawing made of chalk. That’s — You know, I think Kavanagh’s weirdness is rubbing off on you?” Had Jade always been this strange? Maybe Emilio just hadn’t noticed it when they were sleeping together, or had written it off as the normal kind of strange that was just ‘people acting in a way Emilio Cortez didn’t understand.’ 

Of course, her explanation made about as much sense as the chalk outline on his floor. “I see one couch,” he allowed, “and one drawing made of chalk that I don’t know how to clean up.” He didn’t own a mop, and there was no way in hell he was getting on his hands and knees with a sponge. Even if he’d wanted to, his bad knee would protest to the point that he’d have to stay on that damn floor until someone peeled him off it, and that wasn’t something his pride could handle. The chalk drawing would probably stay there until someone else cleaned it up (unlikely) or it was splattered over with a new stain (probably blood). “So you and Regan want to move in together.” That part he understood. “And you bought a couch.” He was with her there. “And had it delivered to my apartment?” This was where she’d lost him. “Don’t you have other places it could go?” They must have had other friends. Friends with bigger apartments, friends with more patience, friends who were, most importantly, not Emilio. Jade should have sent the couches (couch, damn it, he was not letting her make him consider the chalk outline a piece of furniture) to someone else, if only so Emilio could enjoy living in a world where this kind of thing wasn’t his problem.

He groaned quietly. He couldn’t really say no to letting her store things here. He wasn’t here often, and they were already here, and she was looking at him with that hopeful, ‘I’m-in-love-with-a-weirdo’ look on her face. “Teddy kidnapped my dog and forced me to move in with them,” he replied flatly. “I am a captive.” It was very untrue, and Jade obviously knew as much. But Emilio wanted to be dramatic, and there were couches — no, fuck that, there was a couch and a chalk outline of a second couch — in his living room, so he figured he had some right. He sighed, taking another swig of whiskey. His fingers itched as he put the bottle down, hand drawn into his pocket for reasons he couldn’t quite understand. They closed around something strange; his nose wrinkled thoughtfully. “How long am I keeping it here? I need this space.” He didn’t. They both knew he didn’t.

—

So they both forgot about the couch delivery, big deal! (Huh, actually…) Nope, whether it was a case of them being too gay to remember, or like actual important stuff getting the best of their memories, it didn’t matter. Everything had turned out just fine. Maybe next time she’d write reminders like that in her notes app, though (lesson learned). She couldn’t rely on her beautiful brain if her beautiful brain was filled with a buncha other stuff. These days most of her energy went into holding up the fort that was her mental stability (an all-hands-on-deck type of task), so of course some things slipped!  

A lot more of Kavanagh was rubbing off on her, Jade wanted to quip, but that was neither here nor there. Cause finding the person who allowed her to free the weirdo she always had inside was an amazing feeling that she didn’t wanna give up. Going back to a time before Regan, where she was a totally normal person? (That’s right) No, thank you! Whatever dirty joke was blooming on her lips died as the chalk couch occupied her thoughts. “Look, I’ll google how to clean chalk, I bet water will do fine, and I happen to enjoy mopping so,” she’d have to draw the rectangle by memory next time Regan saw it, but it would be fine. Right? (Crap, what if Regan could tell the difference?)

“Yup. We wanna make it offish,” which was like, a weird thing to say when she was currently wearing her big, meaningful Irish ring that Regan gifted her when they shared love declarations. (It wasn’t a proposal. She would’ve known) (She would’ve, right?). “But I still have my stuff at my old apartment and the cabin is empty from when Regan skedaddled to Ireland so, you could say it’s barebones,” she snickered at her own joke, biting down her smile to continue the convo. “So this would be ours,” there was no need to like, explain most of that cause Emilio had been to their place already to play games with Regan, but when had that ever stopped her from yapping? 

She stopped fussing with the wrapper of Emilio’s sandwich (soon to be hers) and folded her arms over her chest. “This is the best place,” she raised her eyebrows at him, a silent ‘Where else could it go?’ implied in the gesture. Did he want her to get mushy and talk about how he was the one person she trusted with her first big adult purchase? She would! It was just weird of him to wanna hear all that. “Plus, this was the closest to Just Couches. I didn’t want my couches traveling too far until they had their permanent home,” she spared him, actually. Cause she did show up unannounced, it was common decency. (And the whiskey felt like too small of a thank you gift, now that she stared at her beautiful green couch in perfect condition).

Jade groaned with him, except hers was in mocking, obviously. She kept at it until he realized how embarrassing it was. With a chortle, she gave him a look one would give a kicked puppy. “Poor you, Teddy’s so evil for forcing you into a comfy bed and a clean space, aren’t they? You’re so dramatic,” her eyes sparkled in a teasing way. “The door is like, really big… I’m sure you can slip undetected any time. You can probably carry everything you own in one hand, even. So I dunno what’s stopping ya,” with a shrug she picked up her sandwich and walked back to the couch (es), keeping a safe distance so food didn’t spill on it. (Knowing her? Always an option). “Let’s give it two weeks, Regan is making inquiries about a house,” she inspected the couch with a smitten look on her face, turning back to Emilio. ��It has knife pockets! A hundred of them”.

—

He could see the innuendo forming on the tip of her tongue, and while he liked to think the look he shot her spared him from hearing it, he knew better than to assume he had any power whatsoever over Jade. If she refrained from making a dirty joke, it was only because she’d decided she didn’t want to make a dirty joke. “I do not own a mop,” he said flatly, glaring at the chalk drawing on the floor. In all honesty, the drawing did very little to dirty up the already filthy floor; it had been sticky since long before he moved in, each step making a strange squelch that he’d always just ignored. (Something that was actually far easier since a banshee screamed in his face and left one of his ears perpetually ringing, so… maybe he actually owed Kavanagh a thank you for that one. Thanks for letting an evil banshee who lived in your hometown scream my hearing to shit was the kind of conversation starter he would not be implementing any time soon, though.) 

As always, he had to take a moment to unpack what Jade was saying and marry it to what she meant. It was a slow process, like rusty gears spinning in a broken watch. Offish. Official. Make it official. His brow furrowed, the explanation he’d gathered not one that really made sense. “Wasn’t it already?” If Jade and Regan hadn’t been ‘official’ until they bought couches together, what the hell had they been doing before? Was buying couches together a necessary step in solidifying a relationship? He’d never bought a couch with Teddy. Were the two of them official? It’d be awfully embarrassing if they weren’t, Emilio thought. 

Shaking the thought away — he’d ask Teddy about it later, probably — he looked back to Jade with a squint and a tilt of his head. “And you couldn’t have waited until you had your own place to send it to to order couches?” He understood not wanting them delivered to the cabin — Emilio, of all people, knew how well four walls could absorb bad memories and inject them into everything housed within them — but he felt there were options that weren’t sending the couches (no, couch, fuck the chalk outline, he wasn’t doing this) to his apartment. 

But… there was something about Jade’s tone when she insisted that this was the best place for the couch. There weren’t a lot of people who trusted Emilio anymore. The fact that Jade had enough faith in him to send something that was clearly important to her here, to his place, and trust him to accept it without question… That meant something. It was hard for even Emilio to remain angry at that. Even if his apartment being close to Just Couches probably did play a pretty heavy role in things.

Sighing, he shook his head and threw one hand up in quiet defeat. The other hand remained in his pocket, fingers twitching as they gripped what he’d found there. The strange pull he felt moved him towards Jade, towards the green couch with all the pockets. “I am a hostage,” he insisted flatly, clearly unbothered by it. “You should be rescuing me, not sending me couches.” He leaned down, inspecting one of the knife pockets. His couch didn’t have knife pockets. He was going to have to talk to Teddy.

But… there was something more important he needed to do first. He couldn’t explain it, couldn’t understand it, but he knew it needed to be done. Straightening, he slipped his hand from his pocket, gripping something small and wrapped in a yellow peel, and dropped it subtly into Jade’s pocket instead. “What kind of house does Kavanagh look at?” He questioned, giving no outward indication that anything had happened at all. “What’s she into? Does it have a morgue in the basement?” He made a face.

—

Her flabber was well and truly gasted when she learned Emilio didn’t own a mop. Wow. You think you know a guy and then, bam! he doesn’t own a mop. Which… fine, alright, yup… It totally tracked, who was she kidding? They didn’t spend months in that questionable (according to Regan) couch for her to believe Emilio kept his place spotless. Okay. Jade was just shook by the admission, not cause it came from Emilio. Still, she fixed him with a look of disbelief cause this was unfinished business, they would go over his mopless behavior at a more appropriate time. But he had brought up Regan, and Regan always came first. (Well…) “I mean, we are official, obviously. We’ve been bone partners since she came back,” and she wasn’t gonna go over the fact that it was Regan who had to ask the ‘what are we?’ question, she had a reputation to uphold. “But this is like…we’re planning for a life together type of thing. A house is a big deal! And it does feel a bit U-haul-y, I know what you’re gonna say,” she waved her hand, positive that Emilio was not gonna say any of that, actually. “But it’s also from a practical standpoint, neither of us has a place to live right now, so why not make the best of it? The couch is to represent we’re both in it to win it. It being love”.

After Jade explained to him the reasoning behind delivering the couches to his place, he seemed satisfied enough with the answer, if his dramatic sigh was anything to go by. She smiled smugly at him, a small exchange that felt so familiar it swept Jade with a wave of nostalgia. And then she was weirded out, cause why was Emilio making her think of Onyx? He should be hit with a (new) mop just for that. “The couch was a spur of the moment thingy, you know us… so spontaneous,” she shrugged, the glint in her eyes making it clear she knew Emilio would argue Regan and spontaneous didn’t go in a sentence together. Messing with him was just too much fun. She just had to open her mouth and he was aggravated. 

Finally, he rounded the desk and joined her to check out the gem that was her new couch, with its infinite pocket space. “Uh-huh. Okay, bud… I’m sure I’ll think of something to get you out of there. Just make sure you’re not too tangled up in sheets when I come,” she rolled her eyes, patting his shoulder in mock commiseration, then guiding him to the star of the show. Jade hummed in approval, mouthing ‘yup’ and ‘that’s right’ every now and then, as Emilio discovered new hiding spots. She was so besotted with her beautiful couch that she didn’t sense the new weight in her pocket, just went about her business, beckoning Emilio to check the back of the couch. And oh, they were discussing houses, he wanted to know what they were looking for. “Normal ones,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like Regan subscribed to the rules of obvious. (The only thing she subscribed to were emojis). “Like, um… Places with sturdy windows. Or where people have died in… or where birds fly at a higher frequency, stuff like that,” again, she was so aware that none of that would sound normal to him. But every extra wrinkle that formed between his brows gave her extra life.   

The mention of a morgue dipped her mood a little bit, if only cause… she wished Regan wanted something to do with her old job. The job she loved more than anything. She wished Regan came to her asking if they could have a morgue in the basement. She’d built the morgue herself if there was ever a sign that Regan wanted to go back to the place where she found her purpose. “Nope, no morgue, ”Jade pursed her lips, shrugging off that feeling super quickly. “She’s making inquiries about a house we saw on Decompee Ave. It’s actually totally normal… ish. And it has a lawn, so I’m definitely growing something there,” the idea of domestic bliss with Regan brought back a smile to her face. She took a bite of her sandwich, nodding when the flavors hit. She chose a good one, yup. “Maybe the next sandwich I’ll bring you will be with fresh veggies grown in my garden.” And shoot, she spilled some honey mustard on her shirt. She reached inside her pocket, cause she always carried extra napkins, just in case, but something else got in the way. 

“Oh! I don’t remember packing this,” she pulled out a ripe banana out of her pocket, waving it in Emilio’s face. “It's a good source of potassium, right?” She was positive that was debunked a while back, but hey, bananas were still delicious! “Do you want it?”

—

Her expression told him that she figured he ought to own a mop, but Emilio was also pretty sure she hadn’t really expected him to. When he’d lived in this apartment full-time, before the Teddy of it all, he hadn’t owned much of anything. The mattress in the bedroom was there when he’d moved in; the couch that had been replaced by another of Regan’s antics had come from a dumpster. (The desk he’d used for Axis had also come from a dumpster, but no one seemed anywhere near as bent out of shape about that one as they all were about the couch. Apparently, some pieces of furniture were acceptable to pull from dumpsters while others weren’t.) Maybe that, in part, was why Jade and Regan moving in together made sense to him. His own life had been pretty shit before Teddy insisted he move into their too-big house, and things were better now. Jade (and Regan, fine) deserved to have things better, too. He wanted that for them, even if he wasn’t so good at saying it. Still… “Lot of pressure to put on a couch.” His tone was dry, expression lightly amused. “Lot of pressure to put on a couch in my apartment. You really didn’t have anywhere else you could have sent it? I know you have other friends.” Friends with bigger spaces to store couches. Friends with mops to clean up the chalk. Friends who weren’t Emilio, which would make this whole thing not his problem. That was the most important bit.

But it was too late to change it now. The couch was here, in his apartment, and Jade definitely wasn’t going to move it until she had a house with Regan to move it to. And Emilio didn’t spend nearly as much time in this apartment as he used to, anyway, so it wasn’t like it mattered. The couch could stay here if it needed to. The chalk drawing could remain on the floor. There were bigger things to worry about. For example… “Spontaneous? Does this mean something in English I don’t know about? Or is Kavanagh different than she was the last time I saw her? Maybe you need an exorcist more than a couch.” 

He snorted at her promise, nodding his head. “Mmm, maybe you text me before you bring the cavalry. Spend a lot of time in those sheets. And the halls. And the kitchen counters.” His expression was flat and his tone was unapologetic, though he definitely would have denied the last one if someone like Levi brought it up. The house was a little too full for such activities now, but there had been a period where Teddy and Emilio had been more or less the only occupants. They’d made good use of that time. 

He’d also probably deny the fact that he was a little impressed with the couch. The one at Teddy’s hid many knives, but there were no pockets designed for such things on it. The hiding spots were more makeshift than anything else, things stuck between cushions and behind pillows to ensure that no one seated could be caught off guard and unarmed. This was much better. And, with the strange desire to shove a banana in Jade’s pocket out of the way, Emilio could really admire it. He listened as Jade described the kind of places she and Regan were looking at, the number of wrinkles forming between his furrowed brows growing with each addition. “These are not things people look at when buying houses,” he told her, though he was hardly the expert on such things. His house in Mexico had been purchased solely because of its proximity to his family, with nothing else considered. He’d never bought any other houses. He’d never even really chosen where to live. The apartment in Worm Row had been something of convenience, Teddy’s home one he’d more or less been dragged into kicking and screaming (or so he’d claim). Maybe people did look into things like the ones Jade mentioned when buying houses.

It wasn’t important, anyway. No, what was really important was that that itch was back in his fingers. The weight in his pocket had returned and, with it, the desire to transfer said weight to Jade’s pocket without explanation. He half listened as she went on about growing things in her yard, humming in quiet acknowledgement. “Peppers,” he offered. “Should grow peppers.” He almost added that his sister had grown peppers in Mexico, that she’d cooked with them and brought food to his house back when the things he ate tasted real and not like ash, but saying that felt like saying too much. He wasn’t sure he could talk about Rosa without the topic falling into the slayer of it all, and it was easier to avoid that subject with Jade, these days. 

She pulled the banana from her pocket, and the desire to replace it with the one in his own grew into something hard to push down. He stared at the banana, eyes darting to her face. Leaning forward, he took the banana with one hand… and used the other to subtly drop the second one into her pocket. “Put it in one of your knife pockets,” he said flatly. “For later.” He demonstrated by dropping the banana into one of the pouches on the sofa. “There you go.”

—

Okay, maybe it was a lot of pressure to put on a couch (or two couches and an ottoman), maybe she was putting all her hopes and dreams for the future she wanted with Regan in a piece of furniture, but Jade wasn’t gonna admit that. And let Emilio be right, in this economy? Nuh-huh. Her couch was still the best couch in the world, so she liked her odds. If any couch in the world had her back, it would be this one. Yup. (And most of them, probably. That was what couches did for backs, anyway). Emilio was still super confused by her and Regan’s decision to send the couch to him, though, for whatever reason. So Jade paused on that, nibbled on that nugget a little longer. “If you’re looking for validation you can say it, you know? I will validate you so hard,” she inched closer with an all too pleased grin on her face. “I wanted you to have my couch, what about it? Just like I’d take care of any couch you ever decide to get, chalk outline or not.” 

People like them didn’t get to have friends for long, didn’t they? She wasn’t discovering anything new. Duty and death had a way of cockblocking meaningful relationships, especially when you were all in about it. Like, almost the entirety of the little crew she created when she got into town was already out of her life. (And sure, that was mainly cause of her dabbling in villainy, but… one reflection at a time, okay?). 

People snapped in and out of her life, friendships fizzled out, and trust broke to irreparable extents (it was the price to pay, she never questioned it) (and maybe, possibly, she was realizing that she should have). But Emilio had stayed. And he tried talking to her about the hard stuff even when all she wanted was to cover her ears and yell louder than him. And sometimes he said weird stuff, like he trusted her (for some inexplicable reason) and most of all, he showed up. He complained all the way through, obviously, but he showed up. She knew that if she was beaten to a pulp, barely breathing in a dirty alley and she called, he’d show up. She knew that if Regan needed help defeating silly virtual murderers, he’d show up. Actions always spoke louder than words with him. And wasn’t that the type of stability she and Regan deserved in their lives? “You are the friend I wanted guarding this couch. Couches, I mean…” she glanced quickly at the rectangle on the floor. Yup, still there. (Still not a couch). She totally should’ve bought those extra cushions at least.  

As expected, Emilio took the bait, arguing against Regan being described as spontaneous. Oh, if he only knew how spontaneous Regan could be when it came to stuff like seeing maggot masses or carrying dead deer through a bog. “I’m telling ya, spontaneous…” But actually, Jade needed to save that little tidbit of info for the future (at a moment it could reach maximum comedic effect). She laughed at his comment, her expression quickly shifting from a grin to something more serious when he went on about his sexcapades. She let out a fake scoff, smacking his arm with the back of her hand. “You’re so crass sometimes, have some decorum,” she didn’t keep a straight face at that, her act crumbling with a chortle. She nudged Emilio to continue examining the couch, absolutely delighting in the way another little line was added between his eyebrows the more she explained their ideal home. Of course, she had to double down on that, committing to the bit. “They’re totally very sought conditions for most home owners, you just haven’t been in the market for a while,” she shrugged, letting out a dramatic sigh.    

Amid discussions of sex and houses and gardens (so basically every typical conversation between them), Jade clocked the sudden misty look on Emilio’s face. She had enough context already to realize he was flashbacking hard to times before he lost his whole world. She watched him with a gentle smile on her lips, waiting for him to stop looking like he was having That’s so Raven visions. “I will grow peppers, actually” she promised softly, making a mental note to ask later which one exactly. He probably had thoughts on that as well. “But it was totally my idea first, you don’t get bragging rights if they turned out amazing. Which they will.” Was there an equivalent to the Jade sauce but for gardening? Maybe Siobhan would know. But like, she was pretty sure the Jade sauce had the range for soil as it did for worms, she was a multitalented queen. (Cause it was already compost, technically). Her garden (their garden) would be the most fertile garden to ever garden, and she’d get to share peppers with her friends.

The second time around she did feel Emilio’s movement, and the extra weight in her pants. She only had so many pockets (she didn’t wear cargo pants, after all). He took the banana she offered and placed it in one of the pockets, plastic cover protecting the frame bunched up in the crease as a result. “But… they’re knife pockets, not banana pockets…” and probably like, remote control pockets, but Jade narrowed her eyes. Something was lowkey odd. Highkey, really. With her free hand, she held out a second banana to Emilio. “And now, I’m positive I didn’t ride her with two bananas in my pockets. Are you trying to tell me something?” 

—

It was jarring, somehow, to hear Jade reply so easily that she’d sent the couches here because she’d wanted him to be the one to look after them. Emilio found it strange, though he didn’t think he was supposed to. He’d been the kind of person people trusted in the past — his mother may not have liked him, but she’d been willing to rely on him when she needed someone to take care of things, and so had Juliana, and Rhett, and Rosa, and Edgar, and Lucio — but it all felt far away now. The man who had been trustworthy and reliable in Mexico felt like a different person than the man who stood in this apartment staring at a couch and the outline of a couch, being told that he was trusted with both. He wasn’t sure he’d earned it, but Jade was giving it to him all the same. And maybe there was nothing he could do about that. He trusted Jade; maybe part of that meant allowing her to trust him back.

So he didn’t make a comment about how she probably shouldn’t trust him, and he bit back the urge to make one about how he wasn’t sure he really wanted her couch (or couches) in his apartment, too. He rolled his eyes, pretended to be irritated, and let the soft look on his face betray the fact that he really wasn’t. 

“Yeah, well, if Teddy ever buys a couch and has nowhere to put it, I hope you know I’m telling them to send it to your house,” he replied. It was as much a reciprocation of trust as it was a gripe, and he figured Jade would know as much. Emilio had more friends than he used to, more friends than he’d ever meant to make in this town, but he had few who understood him the way Jade did. He had few who’d grown up the way he had, who knew what it was like to be raised a weapon rather than a child and carry the expectations that came with that designation. He and Jade didn’t see eye to eye on hunting things, sometimes — though he thought she might have been wavering a little lately — but she still understood the bulk of it. She still knew what it was like to live your whole life just waiting for the end of it. That wasn’t the kind of thing Emilio took for granted. Their friendship wasn’t the kind of thing he’d take for granted, either. Even if that meant letting someone draw the outline of a couch on his floor.

He rolled his eyes as she insisted that Regan really was spontaneous, deciding not to ask for any specific examples because he knew exactly what kind of examples Jade would provide. It wasn’t as if he cared hearing about Jade’s sex life; he knew plenty about it, had been a part of it for a while there. It was just… a little odd to hear about Jade’s sex life with Regan. Regan Kavanagh, Emilio thought, was someone whose sexual habits and preferences he preferred not to think about in any sense whatsoever. (He wondered if there were worms involved. The thought disgusted him so much that he made a face.) “Me?” He huffed, hiding his amusement. “I don’t even give details. You give details. Too many details.” He rolled his eyes, still studying the couch as she continued to describe her ideal home. “That’s such bullshit. No one but Regan is looking for shit like that.” He hated that he was only about seventy percent certain.

The fact that Jade never seemed to comment on the faraway look he got sometimes was another reason why he valued their friendship so much. She didn’t press him for answers, didn’t ask for more than he was willing to give, and he liked that. He needed that. Emilio was a box secured with so many locks, that keys didn’t even exist for all of them. People could shake the box, could rattle the hinges and pry at the edges and, if they kept at it long enough, a few things might slip out. But it was an uncomfortable process, an unnatural one; he preferred to avoid it, and Jade was always willing to let him in spite of her curiosity. He liked that, appreciated it. She’d grow peppers, but she wouldn’t ask him why. He rolled his eyes as she insisted that she’d claim credit for the idea, expression amused. “Yeah, yeah,” he agreed. “It’s all yours. I’m sure they’ll be great.” She’d bring him some, he knew, and Teddy would cook them into some complicated dish he didn’t understand. And they wouldn’t taste like they had years ago, but he’d eat them anyway. He’d feel decent when he did. And it’d be good. 

Less good, maybe, was this strange urge with the banana. The second he dropped the latest one into Jade’s pocket, he was filled with a strange sense of relief; like scratching an itch, or moving out of a position you’d held for too long to remain comfortable. “You can put bananas in knife pockets.” His pockets were knife pockets, after all, and he was pretty sure he already felt another banana in one. He needed to put this one in Jade’s pocket, too, except… she was catching on. Of course she was catching on, because he was putting bananas in her pockets. It wasn’t really subtle. “I think there is something wrong with my jacket,” he said seriously. “It keeps — there are bananas. And they need — I need to —” He yanked the latest one from his pocket without really thinking, pushing it into Jade’s pocket in a fluid movement. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

—

“Puh-lease, be my guest!” Jade grinned up at him feeling totally victorious (hey, wasn’t that a nice show?), cause the fact that he was even entertaining this hypothetical scenario was a win for her. He was ridiculous, his tough act almost as convincing as Regan’s ‘I’m human’ act. (They should’ve taken pointers from her, cause her ‘holding it together’ routine was still fooling everybody around). But well, people had to be some level of ridic to be in her life, didn’t they? It was like a moth to a flame for Jade. That way, she was the normal one of the bunch, yup. Exactly. That was how it was meant to be (that was definitely what was happening now).

Jade lifted a finger, to stop Emilio right there. “Nuh-huh. There’s no such thing as too many details. It’s called storytelling, Emilio. The juice is in the details. Keep it in mind,” she raised a pointed eyebrow at him, tapping her temple, cause she was imparting genius wisdom for free. “I like my brain to be wet and pounding with details,” she bit the inside of her cheek, holding off from dropping the very obvious innuendo lingering in her words. (Cause she didn’t even mean like that) (Sometimes she just said things that could be misinterpreted as suggestive. That was all). Another wrinkle appeared on his face, so that meant she had to keep going, like it was her sustenance. “I would never do that, why would I lie? We’re like, fighting three other families who want the same house, so people are definitely into that,” it was true, actually… which made Jade wonder if the other people were also banshees. Or death stans. (Or serial killers). Or just generally people with excellent taste. 

Even if it was like, a small thing (a silly thing, her mind wanted to point out), Jade appreciated the vote of confidence over the whole garden thingy. She wasn’t gonna get all… serious about it (when would she ever?) but confidence wasn’t something people bestowed upon her very often. Rarely ever. It went back to like, the beginning of times probably, when her sibling used to hover over her while imparting any kinda lesson. Cause why would she ever do anything they could, but better? (And she pretended she loved it cause, attention! Right?). She shut down that window into the past super quick once Ruby’s voice started drifting a little closer to the forefront of her mind, before it could awaken the reminders of her failures, and focused on what mattered. Peppers. And gardens. And her gorgeous, gorgeous couch. 

And… bananas? (Where… the minions financing this ad spot?)

She clicked her tongue, taking the knife pockets in her couch more seriously than she took… well, just about everything. (Cause obviously, she couldn’t even vouch for her D with the same conviction these days). “I dunno, I feel like bananas are meant to be elsewhere. Like, on bread. Or… banana split.” She shuffled toward the desk and dropped her sandwich there, since clearly they had like, important stuff to think about. Namely, was Emilio about to come out as a banana enjoyer? Was this all his evil plan to get Regan to finally bake him some banana bread? (Extra mayo). Cause he would never ask, obviously. He’d go about it in a roundabout way, like… pretending there was something wrong with his jacket? Uh-huh. Sure, buddy. 

Jade placed her hands on her hips, watching as Emilio wasn’t even subtle the third time, pushing another banana into her front pocket. (It was a little sus how a full banana could fit into her woman's jeans’ pocket, but). But he looked like, seriously confused about the whole situation. She extended her hand, looking expectantly. “Well, how many more do you have in there?” It felt like the weirdest of Dejavus. Jade was pretty sure she’d ‘what do you have there? Lullaby like, yesterday. Except Emilio didn’t make it a habit out of bringing her random items. Or was he a black cat who loved to yap. But like, he did have the personality of a cat. “Show me,” she insisted. “Is this your way of saying you’re into baking now? Be honest. I could probably ask Regan to come over after work and whip us some bread.”

—

People had never been something Emilio understood very well. He often felt he’d only known his siblings when they were young, that they’d all been strangers to one another in adulthood. Even with Juliana, they’d both maintained a habit of closing their eyes to the pieces of one another that didn’t fit easily into the palms of their hands, choosing to ignore the things that were too heavy to carry with ease. She’d pretended he was a better hunter, he’d pretended she was a better mother, and when they fought and the pretending got harder, they’d both pretended it didn’t matter in the long run. For years, he’d convinced himself that that was all love was — standing next to someone and pretending. He had loved his wife. It wasn’t the kind of thing he’d ever doubted. But now, in Wicked’s Rest, he was beginning to understand that sometimes, love was a lot more than just pretending.

He didn’t understand Jade, but he didn’t pretend to, either. She said things that made no sense, and he told her, without hesitation, that the words coming from her mouth were strange and difficult to understand. And he loved her, and she loved him, and neither of them really pretended anymore. It was the same with Teddy, with Wynne. With Regan, too, even if he’d never admit to that. He didn’t need to understand people to love them; it was more of a relief than he’d ever thought it would be.

“It’s going to be a big couch,” he threatened, and he felt light. “It’ll take up your whole living room. You won’t be able to walk.” He wondered if Teddy would humor him if he actually decided to find a big couch to take up Jade’s entire living room just to get back at her for the chalk on his floor. Teddy was usually pretty willing to go along with his petty schemes, but they also liked Regan and Jade. He figured he had a fifty-fifty shot at convincing them. Maybe sixty-forty if he put out. 

Jade kept going, because she always did. She talked about her brain, big and wet, and Emilio made a face. “I don’t even think you have a brain,” he said childishly. “I think it’s all empty in there. Lots of free space. You should have put your couch there.” There was no way they were competing for places when their standards included shit like people dying in houses they wanted to buy. This town was weird and all, but there had to be a line drawn somewhere. “If anyone else is trying to buy the same houses Regan likes, we need to check their basements,” he said. It was meant to be a joke, so he pushed away the brief flash of memory of Caleb’s basement, of the chair Aesil tied him to and the blood on the floor. He was over that. He was. It was nothing, it was fine. (Eventually, he figured, repeating it would make it true.)

The bananas worked in his favor, in this case. The overwhelming urge to stick them in Jade’s pockets was enough to outweigh the downward spiral that threatened to tug him to the floor, so he leaned into it. “They fit in the pockets,” he pointed out, nodding to the one he’d dropped in the knife pocket. It did fit pretty perfectly, as if the pocket were designed for a banana. Maybe all pockets were, Emilio thought. (Yeah. There was some kind of magic bullshit going on here. He’d never thought of bananas in pockets before this moment.) 

“I don’t have any in here,” he replied, somewhere between irritable and perplexed. “They just keep popping up.” He held open the pocket so she could see inside and, at the moment, it was void of bananas. There were knives, there were stakes, there was holy water; there shouldn’t have even been room for a banana, with hot overstuffed his pockets were. And yet, when he pulled back and let the pocket fall closed again, he could feel one in there. Groaning, he pulled it out, immediately pushing it into Jade’s pocket. All semblance of secrecy was gone now; she knew he was putting bananas in her pockets, he knew he was putting bananas in her pockets. Everyone knew he was putting bananas in her pockets. He still couldn’t stop. “I think this is your fault. I think your couches did this.”

—

“Oh nooo, not a big couch” Jade shuddered as if she were shaking in her boots. Like Emilio hadn’t noticed she was three apples tall. A big couch would never hurt her. Emilio, however… “And then Teddy will be too far away for cuddles, you played yourself,” her lips twisted into a fake frown, “are you sure you want that, buddy?” she challenged him, wiggling her eyebrows at him. “I bet yours won’t even have knife pockets,” a beat passed, and Jade forgot she was messing with him. “But it should, you know? I’ll give you the details on the model so you can look it up,” and sure, there was a ‘besties matching’ fire that had suddenly stoked in her heart, but she was gonna be so chill about it.  

Emilio had the gall to make a face at her words, and Jade decided that it gave her more life than any added wrinkle between his brows did. She cracked up, fully immersing in the silliness of the banter. “Pft. I’m sorry to disappoint, there’s like no free space at all actually. It’s big, lemme tell ya. And bulging. Regan thinks so. Doesn’t matter what you fill it with,” that’s exactly why she knew her brain was so large. Cause she had so much room for so many things at all times. Right about now, there was this convo, and also like, the minions (due to their association with bananas), and then Gru, which led to The Office, which led to TV shows, which led to thinking about snuggling in bed with Regan while she pirated Yellowjackets, which led to the 18+ section of her brain. (Which included some sultry saxophone music playing in the background) (Which catapulted her back to pop culture, via CRJ association). Wait, what were they… “I bet my brain’s bigger than yours,” that was probably true, also. She did hurt her mom’s hooha when she came out, the odds were stacked in her favor. 

She knew it was a silly argument, and Emilio did too. (And did the fact that the added lines on his face were around his mouth and his eyes make her feel a little fuzzy inside? Maybe so). Neither would back down and that was fun. Like childlike fun, right? Hypothetically. Maybe she didn't know what being seven was, and she assimilated whatever trendy movies depicted childhood in a fun way. Cause her seven (and Emilio’s) involved a knife in each hand and learning where to stab to reap the best results. And it didn’t involve silly quips about big brains or couches, it involved her eldest brother snapping at her in moments where she could not live up to his expectations. (Her brain was definitely put into question, just not in a jokey way). Luckily, another tab opened in her mind sticking out to the forefront and leaving that uncomfy reflection behind. She snapped her fingers at Emilio’s suggestion, reaching a new level of excitement. “Good idea. If we find something on them we can snitch about it, so their chances will lower. And the house will be ours,” She clapped her hands, fully planning this stakeout. (Oop, another tab open). She was pretty sure she could find out where the others’ offers for their dream house lived anyway. “I’d like to see badass P.I in action”.

Jade stared at the bananas once more, hands still on her hips. Just cause they fit in pockets, it didn’t mean they should be stuck in every crevice available. She was pretty sure the Emergency Department would agree and sponsor her message. She looked inside his pocket, unsurprised to learn he was being truthful. This was exactly the kinda whimsical she supported. She was totally intrigued. “Huh…” and then outta nowhere, another banana was born, as soon as she backed away. Her pocket was a victim again of Emilio’s bananas. “I did this? I’ve spent more time with the couches than you have, you don’t see me pulling bananas out of my pockets…” She opened her hand just in time Emilio pulled out another one, and she intercepted it before it reached her pocket. “I wish you would’ve picked like, watermelons or mangos,” no offense to bananas, lovely queens as they were, just… she was in the mood for something fresher. “Are you sure you don’t have some in there?” It was worth a shot. But the more she thought about eating, the more she went over what they’d done since she arrived. “Wait you brought cheese from the bonfire, didn’t you?” She smiled innocently, cause welp! it might have been her fault after all.

—

She wasn’t taking him very seriously, which… was probably fair, given the subject matter. Emilio was threatening her with a big couch, and it was probably an empty threat, anyway, and they both knew it. Still, he scowled as she began poking holes in his plan. “Teddy would not stay far away, even on a big couch. You don’t know how much they like to be close.” Teddy was tactile, and Emilio liked that. Sometimes, he needed to touch things to remember they were real, needed to feel something under his fingers to understand that it wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t sure if Teddy knew that, or if they just liked to hang off him for their own reasons. Probably a mixture of both, given how in tune with him his partner tended to be. His expression turned more interested at the mention of knife pockets, and he nodded. “Right now, I just put them between the cushions,” he commented. “Behind the pillows, under the table. Pockets would be better.” No chance of anyone accidentally sitting on one that way. He knew he’d never hear the end of it if Levi ended up with a knife in its ass because Emilio left one sitting in a bad position. 

Despite his expression — or, more likely, because of it — Jade continued talking about her brain. Emilio picked up one of the pillows resting on the intruding couch, tossing it in her direction like the pinnacle of maturity he was. “Your brain is tiny,” he insisted. “Like a peanut. Mine is bigger. And better, too.” He wasn’t sure how true it was. Emilio had never considered himself a particularly smart man. It had always taken him a little longer than it took other people to pick up on even the most basic of concepts, like things had trouble settling in his head. He’d never even had any kind of formal education, so he couldn’t speak on his test taking skills or ability to do homework. The only reason he even knew how to read was because Lucio had insisted on teaching his sister’s children as much, claiming it was the kind of thing they’d need to know even as Elena herself had responded dubiously. When it came to teaching Flora, it had been generally agreed that Juliana would be in charge of the more intellectual things. Odds were, Jade did have Emilio beat in the smarts department.

Odds of Emilio admitting to that remained slim to none, of course.

It was almost relaxing, arguing like this. When it was lighthearted, when winning or losing the argument had little to no effect on anything else in any kind of way that mattered, any kind of way that was real, bickering became less of a frustration and more of a way to relieve stress. He and Jade could fight about who had the bigger brain and know that neither would ever berate the other for stupid decisions. He could make a mistake and understand that Jade’s first response, every time, would be to ask how she could help him overcome the consequences. It was simple and it was easy and it was nice. Even when Jade took his statement about the ‘competition’ she and Regan had for any houses they were interested in being suspicious in entirely the wrong way, Emilio felt at ease. He snorted as she began to launch into some gameplan full of sabotage and stakeouts. “If you want to see the badass P.I. in action,” he said dryly, “you have to pay for his services. I do not work for free.” Granted, Regan had probably paid him for enough little things that he owed Jade some free services, but he’d never admit to that, either.

He wouldn’t have even admitted to the bananas if she hadn’t called him out on it directly, but carrying on the charade would have certainly grown exhausting sooner rather than later. He glared at her as she tried to avoid the banana, pleased when it found its way into her pocket, anyway. And he didn’t know why he was pleased about that, but maybe it didn’t matter. “How much time have you spent with the couches? Because they have gone from the store to my apartment.” Maybe there was some switch with it, some way the store manager had turned on the banana shit the moment the couches — couch, goddamn it, one couch, he was not doing this — left the warehouse floor. “I didn’t even pick the bananas! I don’t like bananas!” He didn’t like any food, most of the time, but he was beginning to form a vendetta against yellow fruit specifically. “What? Yes, I brought cheese. I was eating it before you came here.” It almost sounded as if he was bragging, as if consuming food was a thing he should have been rewarded for. (Teddy would have rewarded him, but Jade probably didn’t want the details on that.)

—

Maybe that was literally what she should’ve told Regan when the inconvenience of having a big couch came out. Like, it was true for her too, no matter how big a distance was between them, she wouldn’t have stayed away. But then again, there was something (or a lot) to be said about being cramped and unable to escape Regan’s body in a tight space. Mmmm, yup. Jade was pretty sure they chose the right, actually. Her mind drifted to where it was always going to drift, but before she could fully daydream about cuddling (right, cuddling) Regan on their new couch, Emilio had the nerve to interrupt and talk about pockets and stuff. Oh, right, cause… their couch was the best couch. And she was recommending it. “See, that’s exactly why you need the pockets. We don’t want anyone getting stabbed in the butt.” Not accidentally, at least. But she didn’t think Teddy or Emilio invited to their home anyone who actually deserved to be stabbed in the butt.  

The pillow came fast and unexpectedly at Jade for her to do something about it. Wow, so much for always being alert to incoming threats. Lesson learned. This was fine though, cause her extra soft pillows felt extra soft against her skin. Another point for their couch. But like, her jaw still hung open, flabbergasted by Emilio’s actions. “I’m choosing to trust the doctor on this, you know? She’s a woman of science. And she thinks my brain is big. Yours is probably like, really smooth,” but also, if this conversation was anything to go by, maybe he wasn’t alone in that. And this was his fault, obviously. Her brain cells (you know, all the ones) always decided to take five in his presence.  

“Wow, not even a family discount,” She crossed her arms over her chest at his request. A banana stuck out for each hand. Like they were blades. It was pretty funny. (Anything could be a weapon if you tried hard enough, probably). And of course, he was gonna charge. He was pretty sure he was squeezing as much cash as he could out of Regan. Well, actually she was positive of the fact, but, “fine, we have to support local business or whatever. Regan would pay for it too, anyway, she’s like… single-handedly keeping your business afloat. And it’s for a good cause, we gotta scout the competish,” she lifted an eyebrow at him, an unspoken threat behind the gesture. “She might wanna tag along, you know? Isn’t that super fun? We’re gonna need extra M&Ms in the trail mix for her. But don’t worry about that, I’ll handle the snacks.” And she was being totally generous by not suggesting playlists (even if, she was gonna curate a few just in case), cause Regan didn’t like music, and Emilio would probably grumble about how that’s not how he does his job or whatever. 

Plus, she did feel a little bad about bringing this potential banana curse onto him. Not that, she was gonna let him blame her couch for it though. (Maybe the ottoman. He could blame the ottoman). “How much time I spent with it? Well, that day when we bought it, and now… that’s gotta be like, half an hour more than you have.” But Jade did like, consider for a beat the possibility that maybe it was true, and something went down to turn the couch into a banana tree. She was pretty sure that was a false lead though. Especially after Emilio confirmed he brought cheese from the bonfire. Cause it wasn’t the first strange thing she was told about wacky things happening right after eating some. Like Ryan, who was allegedly mooing after. And Regan’s tongue was rainbow for a bit after. Huh. “So. Here’s the thing. The cheese might be the main culprit,” and was her use of detective language just her way of showing off to see if he could bring them along for the stakeout? Maybe so. 

“So what you’re gonna do is… not have that cheese anymore. I know, it was delicious, it’s a real tragedy that you can’t have more,” she pouted, wondering what other curses her cheese had caused. “My guess is, you’ll probably be fine after your stomach does its thing,” no need to get into details, smooth brain jokes aside, he understood. “I will want every banana you pull out in the process of it though. I’m telling Regan to make an apology banana bread. Do you have like, a tote bag or something, I can’t take ‘em all in my pants”.

—

As much as he hated to admit it in this particular moment (because she was being annoying), Jade made a pretty good point about the value of couch pockets. Things like this really couldn’t be oversold, could they? You couldn’t put a price on not accidentally stabbing your partner’s dad in the ass. (Emilio was confident that he was in no danger of being stabbed in the ass by his knives, and Teddy knew him well enough to know exactly where every single one was hidden, so Levi was the most plausible victim for ass stabbings.) He shrugged at Jade’s insistence, as if he wasn’t already making a mental note to talk to Teddy about getting a couch with a few more knife pockets than the one they had now. 

For now, though, he was content throwing pillows. Had the couch come with all these, or had Jade purchased them separately? Teddy liked pillows. Their bed was overflowing with them. They liked anything that provided comfort, which often made Emilio wonder what it was they saw in him. In any case, though, the pillows could represent another selling point. They were soft, bountiful, and good projectiles in a pinch. The one he tossed sailed smoothly through the air before hitting Jade, though the impact didn’t seem to be a very painful one. (He hadn’t intended for it to be, though. He was pretty sure he could make a pillow painful if he put his mind to it.) “She has bias,” he pointed out stubbornly. “She would tell you your brain was good even if it was small and bad. Which it is.” His hand went to his head at the mention of his own brain, fingers unconsciously pushing through his curls in a way that seemed almost defensive. “My brain is not smooth. It’s a very good brain.” 

This kind of petty, back and forth bickering was the kind of thing he’d figured he’d lost after Mexico. He and his siblings hadn’t done it as often as other families might have — things in the Cortez family were always a little more ‘life or death’ than they probably were for most sibling groups — but there was a certain nostalgia that came with it all the same. It made the world feel a little less heavy. Jade was good at that; Emilio wondered, sometimes, if she was even aware of it. In any case, he found he couldn’t argue with her description of a ‘family’ discount; it felt more accurate than he’d really care to admit. “If anything, I should charge you more for being you,” he replied with a huff. “You are always talking. I could charge you by the word. Then I get rich. You’re lucky I don’t do this.” She relented quickly, of course; Emilio smirked at the victory, looking just a little smug. The expression faltered, of course, when Jade mentioned Regan tagging along. Every time she accompanied him on an investigation, things went weird. There were sewer rats that turned into goo and took his voice away, or little people who jumped out of a computer and stabbed him with safety pins. “Does she have to come?” There was a hint of a whine to his voice. “I don’t think we need snacks, either.” Usually, his stakeout kit included nothing more than a flask. M&Ms seemed like an unnecessary addition.

But Jade, of course, would hear none of it. She’d already moved on to the (in her defense, more interesting) mystery of the bananas. “Do you have any bananas?” She didn’t. He knew she didn’t, because he hadn’t felt any bananas in her pockets when he’d been shoving his in there. Jade had escaped whatever strange curse was looming over him… and as she spoke, he realized why that might be. “Jade.” His voice was flat and unamused. “Did you bring cursed cheese to a bonfire and share it with everyone? With me?” That was what he was most upset about. The rest of the town could have banana curses, and he wouldn’t mind. But when it became his problem, things were just… a little different. 

He threw his hands up in the air, frustration building as he felt yet another banana already present in his pocket. He reached down and pulled it out, tossing it at her. “How long does it last? I cannot keep giving people bananas. Do you know what happens if I’m on a case, and I give someone a banana? Maybe they stab me, Jade! Maybe they stab me about the banana!” He was being a little dramatic. Odds of someone stabbing him over a banana seemed slim. But… Emilio liked being dramatic, sometimes. Especially in situations like this one. “I’m not giving you a bag. Carry the bananas in your arms. You deserve to have to do that.” 

—

Jade’s jaw dropped dramatically when Emilio accused Regan of having a bias. (So true, so fair, so valid) (But that wasn’t bias, that was just Regan having impeccable taste, that was all). She was so not conceding to Emilio though. “Nuh-uh. No way, she’s like the most impartial person to ever person. She likes plain yogurt, that’s how impartial she is” and sure, Jade knew that had nothing to do with objectivity and a whole lot to do with her partner’s adorable quirks, but if she asked Regan she would find a way to make plain yogurt sound like the most objective statement in the world. Anyway, what mattered here, was that Regan liked Jade, ergo… big brain (?). The dots were totally connected. Practically fused together. And just cause she saw the way Emilio reacted to her smooth-brained comment she decided to drop it. He had like, a chip on his shoulder about it. Which was kinda weird, cause he was a whole Private Investigator and that wasn’t something people who were actually smooth-brained could do. Oh well, everybody had their insecurities, didn’t they? (Except… fine, she wasn’t fooling anyone anymore either).

“I brighten your days and this is how I’m treated,” Jade bowed her head in mock defeat. In the words of her very good pal, who was due to pick up a candle next week: wowowowhowdare. “I can’t believe you’d do that to a sweet girl like me. You better be paying for the drinks if you get rich.” She always thought about that. Just… spending all her money to make her friends happy if she ever won the lottery. And probably bribe Rihanna to finish that freaking album. But she figured bribing a billionaire would probably be hard. Whatever she had to offer would be like, tip money for them. (But also, if they were greedy enough to become billionaires, maybe they’d be greedy enough to accept tips). Jade scoffed at Emilio’s apprehension over Regan tagging along their stakeout. “You say it like you two aren’t planning your next movie night,” Plus… she had ulterior motives, of course. She wanted them to bond. It’s not like she didn’t see how Regan yearned for her brothers. She would deny it, she would claim it was what had to be done in order to become an instrument, even now, she might claim they were better off away from her, but Jade knew there was a big place in Regan’s soggy heart for them. (And probably a smaller one for Al, but a place still). “She will come and we’re gonna have the best of times,” she tacked on, a little more insistent than before.

They were gonna have to pin in that particular convo, though, cause Emilio had finally figured out why he had the impulse to shove bananas into her pockets. “What! I didn’t know it was cursed!” Jade lied, knowingly. Well, sorta. She did know about Regan’s tongue before the bonfire (but in what world was a rainbow tongue a curse?). She pressed her lips together, suppressing the cackle when he threw his hands in the air. She schooled her face to show a little more concern about the bananas sprouting from Emilio’s pockets. (And you know what? She was being so mature and grown by making a total of zero jokes about bananas in his pants). She caught the banana tossed at her in mid-air, magically making more space in her hands. She was a girly after all,  jeans with no pocket space had taught her how to fit as many things as possible in her hands. She had years of practice for this specific scenario. “I dunno how long it lasts, but you’re the only person in the world who’d be offended by getting free bananas, be so for real. I say the free bananas would make your rivals happy. And happy people get distracted, and that way, they’re easier to stab,” Jade nodded, and she would’ve tapped her temple to show this all came from her big, bulging brain, but her hands were bananaful. 

Emilio was being a big ol’ drama king, but in a way that made her chest just a little less tight from all the past weeks of… tightness. (And nope, forget it. She hit snooze on that breakdown once again) (Who knew, maybe it was really allergies all along!) She chortled, rolling her eyes at his antics. “Fine! I’ll put them all in my delivery box!” She suggested, which was a totally generous offer from her cause they technically didn’t know if the cheese was to blame. But you don’t look a gift banana in the mouth (or something). She sat on her fancy new couch, which had been tested back at the store, and sure, there was a cover preventing it from getting the full experience, but her entire lower back sighed in relief. She silently accepted the next banana, eyes twinkling smugly at his defeated expression. They would be here for a while, so… better get comfy. “While you wait for the final banana, why don’t I update you on how your sim is doing?” Emilio didn’t get a word in, actually she wasn’t sure he even got a breath in before she interrupted. “So, guess how many kids he’s adopted now…”

—